day one »

and so it begins.



also i have a new phone number. get it from me.

heeh »

Jared: http://www.answers.com/panties&r=67
Jared: i didn't know children wear panties
Jared: interesting
balthazar: hahahahah
Jared: wait
Jared: does that mean
Jared: you only wear one panty at a time?

e l i z a: i really do feel like sushi though
balthazar: i have a nice ass
e l i z a: that was the most random shit ever
balthazar: hahahahahahaha
e l i z a: seirously, what the hell?

blugh »

Tonight I got in a fight with a friend and afterwards I was so mad that I whaled on my phone. Thankfully it's a little brick of a Nokia; if I had a different brand I might have tiny pieces of cell phone buried in my fist.

While the phone looks ok, I think I may have beat the reception straight out of it. I've never had a problem getting bars in my apartment; now I can barely get signal at all.

Monkeyballs.

I am scarred »

Tonight, my friend linked me to the profile of one of the ugliest "girls" I have ever seen on thefacebook.

Thank you, Helene. I love you too.

ADDENDUM //

In a (probably vain) attempt to prove that I am not a superficial bastard, this is an excerpt of a conversation I had with Helene (who is not the ugly girl):

balthazar: im exagging about the ugliness
balthazar: but the fact that her profile pic is what it is makes me not feel bad about it
hmeister: not really though
hmeister: exactly
balthazar: like if she were pathetic ugly id never post that
hmeister: yes, but she tHINKS she's hot
hmeister: so that's just wrong
balthazar: but shes so fakey "im going to pretend i have a french accent even though im clearly a fob and you can tell by looking at me or listening to me or even oh Lord smelling me and im so french and cosmopolitan and sophisticated that i love me and im so hot and wow boys want to touch my coochie coochie and isn't that what they call it in france" that it makes me sick

Ed. note: her profile pic is one of them glamour shots where a sheet is artfully draped over aforementioned coochie and rose petals are scattered about scandalously, and which is so heavily airbrushed that if everyone had such open access to a zit zapper of Such Obvious Talent, proActiv would go out of business.



ADDENDUM II //

I showed Allegra two pictures: an unairbrushed candid of Ugly Skank, and the glamour shot of Ms. Skank and this was her response:

legs: OH LORD
legs: hahaha
legs: you can almost make out her butt
legs: THATS SOOOOOOOOOoo scandalous
legs: who knew from [the candid] she is such a tramp
balthazar: hahahahahaha
legs: seriously i can almost make out her vagina
balthazar: HAHAHAHAHA
legs: the power of makeup?
legs: like wtf..how is that the same person

ADDENDUM III //

I am enjoying this too much.

e l i z a: you know
e l i z a: ppl are always like omg mulan dressed like a man to go to war
e l i z a: if mulan looked like this she'd have no problem
e l i z a: dude she looks like my guy cousin

sigh »

Many times I've tried to tell you
Many times I've cried alone
Always I'm surprised how well you
Cut my feelings to the bone
Don't wanna leave you really
I've invested too much time
To give you up that easy
To the doubts that complicate your mind

We belong to the light
We belong to the thunder
We belong to the sound of the words
We've both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace
For worse or for better
We belong, we belong
We belong together

Oh Pat Benatar how wise thou art.

Also I start a new job in the morning.

Finola Hughes is the hottness »

Despite having a name that recalls 80 year old British ladies quiveringly offering you a scone ... hot damn.



Ahh ... Aspen Extreme ... Blossom ... General Hospital ... All My Children ... you don't come across a finer résumé than that.

AND SHE'S COMING BACK TO DAYTIME TV! Just for sweeps. And not that I watch it. But hot damn.

ahh Long Island, part II »

Long Island + Google Maps = EVIL!!

I was looking up something in Melville and it TOTALLY called me a fag.



Grrr.

ahh Long Island »

A high school student is suing the College Board over the whole SAT scoring debacle.

And guess, just guess where the student is from?

Sigh. Long Island. Specifically, Dix Hills.

Oh, Long Island, why?

balthazar: when i saw where he was from i was like I KNEW IT I MOTHERFUCKING KNEW IT
Pi347: haha
Pi347: what were you like again?
balthazar: haha
balthazar: shut up

[buries head in shame]

Rosie O'Dykell »

Usually I don't care for the woman, but then she busts out with something like this:

I just picture this cute little Mexican woman working saying, 'Excuse me Miss Campbell can I possibly get you...' and Naomi going, 'Get away from me, bam bam bam!' To make matters worse she had that jewel-encrusted cell phone. That's got to score with the diamonds. She looks like you could snap her in two but she's a tough-ass, kick-ass woman. I would actually like to fight her. I think for all the people that she's beaten up, I think she needs a big 200 pound lesbian to kick her ass.

HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE HER NOW!

Oh yeah ... there's still this small matter...

Categories: fun, hate, movies

curry-covered pig dung »

That's an apt description of the guy I just checked out of the hotel.

What kind of person thinks they can check out of a hotel at 7 pm and not pay for that night? There's a reason it says "Check-out time 11 AM" like, everywhere.

Go home, eat some curry, and learn to speak english.

Categories: hate, hotel